Better Woman
by LeDenimVest
Summary: AU response to the prompt "A female heroine of the supernatural would do it different" Miss Henrietta Jekyll desperately wanted to rid herself of the traitorous thoughts she was having about men. She didn't want to resent them, she wanted to learn. When she becomes Mr Hyde she tastes the freedom of maleness.


Mr Utterson sat heavily down into his armchair. The events of the day had wearied him, and curious though he was, he thought he might like nothing more than to enjoy a very long sleep. However Mr Utterson was a resilient and determined man, and as such, he fetched himself a drink, positioned himself in his chair, and reluctantly withdrew the letter he knew he must read.

HENRIETTA JEKYLL'S LETTER

My dear Mr Utterson,

I am sure you must be curious by now. I know have been acting so strangely of late. I will attempt in this letter to explain my actions, though I fear you may never fully understand them. I am not proud of what I must tell you, be sure of that. But it must be explained.

I am a kind girl, truly I am. I wish no harm to anybody, and I work hard at my job. But I ashamed to say that despite my good intentions I have always had traitorous thoughts. Resentment lives in my mind, for all the men I meet. I do not mean to be cruel, or disrespectful, but I cannot help but think it unfair that I am denied opportunities that a man would be welcomed into. Specifically I speak of my desire to learn. I am incredibly fortunate that my employer has been so kind to me. When you granted me access to your library Mr Utterson, it was the most fortunate I had ever felt.

I took every opportunity to learn from your books, taking particular interest in chemistry and medicine. These were the topics I truly wished to study. I know what an opportunity you allowed me Mr Utterson, but still I had these traitorous thoughts. _If I were a man I could learn this properly_ I thought. I immediately felt guilty. I had been given a chance, a privilege, and should not be wasting my joy with wishful thinking.

I needed to rid myself of these ideas, and so, after reading a particularly relevant book from your library, I set about creating a concoction that would do just that. It took me years to make successfully. I experimented rarely, spending whatever pittance I had at the time on the ingredients I needed. Eventually, though, it happened. I created an elixir that would change me, make me kind.

I mixed the compounds and drank, preparing myself to be a better person. The effect was not what I had expected. I had changed, certainly, but more severely than I had ever thought possible. Not only had my mind been altered, but so had my body.

My initial reaction was panic. What had happened to me? I wondered. What had I done that would so fundamentally change my entire being? But soon enough I realised the fortune I had stumbled across. Oh, the possibilities that were now open to me, no more would the fact of my gender hinder my freedom.

After I had calmed myself, though, I became determined to use this turn of events to my advantage.

I found my escape in Mr Hyde. Here was the answer to my problem. Mr Hyde was certainly not the solution I aimed for but, as I spent more and more time with him, I realised his potential. Here was my chance to understand the male perspective; to have that which I always dreamed: the freedom of a man.

My first act was to acquire suitable clothing. I was most fortunate that you, Mr Utterman, had asked me to mend a suit that particular night. I stole the suit, and I felt no guilt about it. That, perhaps, should have been my first warning. I walked through the streets that night, first with anxiety as I was unused to this body and this gender; later, once the unease had passed though, I felt free. The filthy maze of buildings that is Soho appeared the most beautiful scenery I had ever laid eyes upon. Though the air was thick with smoke and grime, I breathed as easily as if I were walking through a garden. The chill of the night could not touch me, the harsh stares I received from passers-by did not impact me, and even the rats squabbling over scraps of food in the alleys seemed somewhat charming.

I found myself that night in many situations previously barred to me. I gambled the little money I owned against men on the street; by some fortune I walked away with triple the sum I began. I drank whiskey of a quality I will never again taste, in the company of men I will never again meet, in a place I would never otherwise be allowed entrance to. I tasted the freedoms of men, felt the power that they must feel each day as I ordered the barmaid to fetch me drinks, and spoke about the women around me in such a manner that I am ashamed to repeat the words.

At the end of the night, when the sun was beginning to rise again I returned to my home, satisfied beyond my wildest imaginings with the evening I had experienced. I drank the elixir once more and returned to my female self, the body and mind I know best, and the body which will forever condemn me to be inferior. I knew at that moment that I would become Hyde again, that I _must_ become Hyde again. The feeling of invincibility that came with his body was intoxicating. The desire to regain that power was so strong, the very thought of returning to my regular life made me want to weep with despair.

And so a routine was born. I would spend these nights enjoying the perks of maleness, partaking in any and every frivolous display of dominance I could find. Invariably, the nights would involve gambling; I found out quickly that I was very good at poker, which I attributed to my enduring femininity. I amassed a small fortune within several weeks, and was forced to open an account at the local bank, under the name Hyde.

Mr Hyde allowed me such great joy and freedom that I forgot my initial goal for the elixir; to remove the hurtful feelings within me. In fact, rather than better me as a woman, the elixir fanned the flames of my resentment.

It all became very clear one night when I trampled young girl. I immediately regretted the action for the trouble it would cause Hyde, but disturbingly felt no remorse for the pain I had caused the child. I compensated the girl's family and resolved to be more careful.

All seemed well for some time. Several months passed without incident. One night, after one of my adventures as Mr Hyde, I found myself awake in the early morning. I rose to fetch myself a glass of water, and near frightened myself to death. For in my bedroom mirror stood not Miss Henrietta Jekyll, the woman who went to sleep, but Mr Edward Hyde. I must have stood there, frozen, for almost ten minutes before taking my elixir and returning to the shape I knew best.

I had changed in the night, without the aid of my elixir. The fear that gripped me was terrible. What had happened that allowed Mr Hyde to come forth uncalled? Whatever it was, it could not happen again. I resolved that night that Mr Hyde would never resurface again.

It seemed I was successful, until a night two months later when I grew weary of being a woman. I made the very poor decision to take the elixir once more.

Hyde's temper exploded that night. There was no cause, no reason for his rage. He simply acted, releasing every negative thought and emotion I had ever felt as Miss Jekyll. All the resentment towards men for their superior roles in society, the unfairness that I should be treated so poorly merely for my gender, the weight of the expectations people had of me, my guilt that I was not as good as woman as I should be – all was released at once. My poor victim had done nothing to deserve my wrath, but it was only once I returned to myself that I spared any thought for him.

You know well what happened next.

When I returned to myself the remorse was overwhelming. I wept, confined to my bed for the rest of the day; you, in your kindness, allowed me the day off. You were not suspicious of me. That incident was enough to strengthen my resolve, and for months I lived a better woman than I had ever been. I stayed dedicated to my work, taking on more and more responsibilities to keep my mind busy, and I successfully quashed any and all negative thoughts from my mind. I was happy, and respectful, which was my initial aim.

And then one day, when I was walking about the city in the middle of the day, I began to feel nauseous. Fear gripped me once more, for this was the sensation that filled me when I drank my elixir. To my horror I began to change, right in the middle of the street, in the midday sun, into Mr Hyde. There was no way to stop it; my only response was to rush back to my home as fast as I could, desperate to escape the watchful eye of the greengrocer along the street.

This was the beginning. I locked myself in my bedroom, trying desperately to keep Mr Hyde's awful impulses under control. No matter how I tried, it only got worse. Hyde continued to surface against my will. I could no longer control his appearances, and required the elixir to return to my normal appearance. Soon, the initial dose was not enough. I ingested increasing amounts of the elixir in order to hide him away, and I soon used up my stores.

Try as I might, I can no longer control these changes. My only solution has been to lock myself within this room and hope for the best. I have used the last of the elixir to become Jekyll just long enough to write this letter. I can feel him returning already. I don't have much longer with this mind.

All I can say is thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being so kind to a mere housemaid, and that I am sincerely sorry for everything I have done.

For the last time,

Miss Henrietta Jekyll


End file.
